There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
