She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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