things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
