The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
