had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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