Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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