And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
