We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
