I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
