oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
