I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
