Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my being single is dangerous.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
