I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
