Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
