i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
