i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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