I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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