peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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