I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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