so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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