if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
