Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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