you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
