He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
