yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
