do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't deserve a penis
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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