happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
