Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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