So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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