life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
