my phone needs a breathalizer
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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