I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
