When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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