I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
