im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When are your genitals available?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
