If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
