They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
