No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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