Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
