We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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