New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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