By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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