He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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