even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
