So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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