I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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