Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
