The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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