When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
