At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
